Why beat around the bush when you can go right through it?
Children learn what they live, men usually have to be retrained.
Life is like surfing, you might catch a good wave and it will be a fun ride, but watch out for those sharks.
If you get in a car accident, don't forget your car.
People with large noses can smell the better things in life.
If you have sex with a siamese twin, is it considered a threesome?
Christmas is like having a bad cold. Some people are very happy when it is all over and done with.
Worry: The first time you can't get an erection the second time. PANIC: The second time you can't get an erection the first time.
Eat, drink, and be fat and drunk.
Why are sports grounds called stands when everyone sits?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. If it still doesn't work, redefine success.
Where there's a will there's a way, but what if your name is Will?
No matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor!
I'm herpes-free today.
Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken.
Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a dollar at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I earn a seven figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.
When life throws you stones, throw them back!
The killer that is about to call you, is already in your home.
At the first chance he had, Adam blamed it all on Eve.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, thats the time to do it!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do no walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone!
It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others!
It it far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help!
If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything!
If ignorance is bliss... then why aren't more people happy?
If you are too poor to pay attention, opt for the installment plan.
Take her easy. If she's easy, take her again!
People would not worry so much about what other people think about them if they only knew how seldom they do.
The reason Santa doesn't have any children is because he only comes once a year.
You have done so much, with so little for so long, that you are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
These condoms are guaranteed. If you break, one you win a BABY!
Instead of taking your clothes to the cleaners and pay a bundle, donate them to goodwill or the salvation army. They clean them, you come back the next day and buy them for a dollar.
Ex-lovers make good speed bumps.
Ever wonder why we make vitamins in flavors so children will eat them, then child proof the regular flavored vitamins?
Why is it called a T.V. set when you only get one?
Same thing for a pair of jeans. What's one jean?
Remember this next time you meet someone that looks very bright to you. the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.
The bravest man in the world? The first guy to eat an egg!
Does everyone envision duct tape around your mouth this early into a conversation?
If a woman uses a vibrator when she's pregnant, will the child come out stuttering?
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Confucious say: Man who have happy dream, have sticky stomach.
A hard man is good to find.
I think my computer is a guy. I keep turning it on with my hands.
Good enough is never good, true?
Everybody has an opinion. Some of them just don't matter, though.
Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it.
Don't let your mind wander, it's too little to go places by itself.
You're not going insane. You're going sane in an insane world.
May the Lord give me patience, but hurry!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one.
I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
It's funny until someone gets hurt. At that point, it's hilarious!
When live gets messy, vacuum.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Jesus is coming! Quick, look busy!
What goes around comes around. (Yes it's a cliche but it's true)
Doors are on a house so you don't have to go through the windows.
If you can't get the skeletons out of your closet, you'd better teach them to dance.
Stupid is just a 5 letter word.
Don't ask me to think inside my head, because I lost my inside voice.
Why did the kamikazes wear helmets?
Friends are like condoms, they protect each other when things get hard.
No one ever says "it's only a game" if their team is winning.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
If UFO's are supposed to be so intelligent, then why have they abducted humans?
Anyone who says "As easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
If voting could change anything, it would be illegal.
I try to take life one day at a time, BUT lately several days have attacked me at once!
That that is, is. That that is not, is not. That that is is not that that is not, and that that is not is not that that is.
If you got a problem, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.
I never repeat myself, so pay close attention to me the first time, cause I never repeat myself.
Work is blackmail for survival.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth without first giving him a Certs.
Canaries are the best, especially with ketchup on them.
Slow and steady gets you trampled by the other guys.
When opportunity knocks, shoot first and ask questions later.
Fun flies when your doing time.
When all else fails, use duct tape.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Do they sterilize the needle for lethal injection?
You are now entering a school free drug zone. Thank you for pot smoking.